Because he has taken away her favourite toy, imagine a seven-year-old girl watching her younger brother cry. Before she can even complain, her mother steps in. “You’re older. Let him play with it. You should understand. A little later, she is asked to keep an eye on him while the adults finish their work. When she gets upset herself, she hears another familiar line: “You’re a big girl now. Don’t behave like a baby.”
5 Oct 2026 | 12:06 And that’s something parents may not always realise.
In fact, many parents may recognise having said something similar. Nothing about this sounds particularly unusual. But repeated often enough, these small expectations can leave the eldest child feeling that being older means having fewer chances to be upset, make mistakes or ask for attention.
The American Academy of Pediatrics advises parents to make sure an older child does not feel overlooked when a new baby arrives. Its guidance recommends setting aside individual time for the older child and allowing them to adjust at their own pace. Rather than telling them to act their age, parents should respond to the reassurance they need. So, an eight-year-old asking to be hugged like a toddler or wanting a parent to help with something they can usually do alone isn’t necessarily being difficult. They may simply want to feel cared for too. Parents don’t have to stop giving their firstborn small responsibilities. Helping a younger sibling can build affection and confidence. But there is a difference between asking a child to help and making them responsible for another child’s safety, behaviour or happiness. Let the eldest child complain when something feels unfair. Allow them to lose a game, make a mess, ask for help and enjoy time without having to supervise someone younger. Being the firstborn should not mean being the family’s little adult. They are still growing up, still learning and still need their parents to look after them. Sometimes, the best thing parents can do for their eldest child is remind them that they don’t have to be the sensible one all the time. You use AI every day. Now get your AI Quotient. Take the AIQ test Get the latest Lifestyle News and more. Download the TOI app.
It also points out that some children may temporarily return to earlier behaviours, such as wanting more help or attention.
When the firstborn is expected to grow up too quickly
A 2023 systematic review published in the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health examined 95 studies on parentification. An Indian qualitative study published in the International Journal of Indian Psychology in 2025 examined the responsibilities placed on eldest daughters.
For many firstborns, the phrase “set an example” becomes a regular part of growing up. The arrival of a second child changes the family dynamic. The firstborn suddenly becomes the older sibling, and parents may start expecting more patience, cooperation and maturity from them. Asking an older child to bring a diaper or help pick out the baby’s clothes is perfectly reasonable. It found that taking on responsibilities that are not appropriate for a child’s age can affect their emotional wellbeing. The effects, however, vary depending on the child’s circumstances and the kind of responsibilities involved. They may be expected to share first, apologise first and understand why their younger sibling needs more attention. Even when both children are equally responsible for an argument, the older one may be asked to give in. It highlighted how expectations to guide younger siblings, behave maturely and balance family duties with personal goals can become psychological stressors.