Recent insights from developmental psychology highlight the importance of balancing warmth and structure in parenting. While many parents aim to foster trust by avoiding strict rules, this approach can lead to a lack of essential boundaries for children. Psychologist Diana Baumrind’s research distinguishes between permissive parenting, characterized by warmth and minimal demands, and authoritative parenting, which blends responsiveness with clear expectations and consistent limits.
The American Psychological Association supports the authoritative style as it combines nurturing support with firm boundaries. This balance allows children to experience limits, manage disappointment, and understand that not all decisions can be negotiated. Ultimately, the focus should not be solely on being strict or permissive but rather on providing children with opportunities to develop resilience and navigate challenges effectively.
22 Sept 2026 | 14:56 A boundary does more than control a child’s behaviour.
A child learns that feeling frustrated does not necessarily mean something is wrong and that hearing “no” does not mean a relationship has been withdrawn. This does not mean that parents should become harsh. Instead, the research points towards a balance in which children feel heard while also learning that some boundaries remain in place. It can also provide an opportunity to practise emotional regulation. Imagine a child asking to stay up late on a school night. A parent who always reopens the discussion whenever the child becomes upset may unintentionally teach the child that discomfort can be removed by continuing the negotiation. A parent who listens, explains the reason and calmly maintains the limit gives the child an opportunity to experience disappointment without immediately changing the situation. Self-regulation involves managing emotions, attention and behaviour, including controlling impulses and coping with situations that do not go as planned. Research reviews describe self-regulation as an important developmental process that develops through childhood and is influenced by interactions with the environment. This is why boundaries can become a form of emotional practice. Importantly, this is very different from authoritarian parenting. Harsh punishment, humiliation and excessive control are not what the research is recommending. A healthy boundary can coexist with empathy. A parent can say, “I know you are disappointed, but the answer is still no. The child is allowed to have the feeling. The boundary simply remains.
A 2024 study in Frontiers in Psychology found that authoritative parenting was associated with fewer behavioural problems in adolescents, with regulation playing an important role in the relationship. Because adulthood comes with plenty of moments when someone else gets to make the final decision.
The practical takeaway is simple: children do not need parents who say “yes” to everything, nor do they need parents who say “no” to everything. Learning how to hear “no”, manage the disappointment and move forward is not a sign that a child has been controlled. One of the biggest misunderstandings about boundaries is that they automatically make parents distant or authoritarian. In reality, children can be given choices while still having clear limits. A parent might allow a child to choose between two acceptable options while making it clear that some decisions are not negotiable. This approach gives children autonomy without making them responsible for setting every rule themselves. For example, a parent could say, “You can choose whether you finish your homework before dinner or after dinner, but it needs to be completed tonight. The child gets a choice, but the larger expectation remains. Recent research continues to examine how parenting styles influence behaviour and adjustment. At the same time, researchers caution against treating parenting styles as universal formulas. Culture, age, temperament, family circumstances and the way parents exercise control all matter. Research has also found differences across cultural settings in how warmth and strictness relate to children’s adjustment. They need adults who can listen to them, explain expectations, allow reasonable choices and hold appropriate boundaries when necessary. It can be part of learning how to function confidently when the world does not change its rules just for them. You use AI every day. Now get your AI Quotient. Take the AIQ test Get the latest Lifestyle News and more. Download the TOI app.
Employees have deadlines, workplace policies, managers, colleagues and responsibilities that cannot always be negotiated according to individual preferences. The lesson, therefore, is not that a “cool” parent creates an unsuccessful adult. The difference may become more noticeable as children move into environments where they have less control. School can provide considerable structure and support. Teachers may explain expectations, offer guidance and provide opportunities to correct mistakes. Professional environments can be less flexible. This does not mean that children from permissive households will automatically struggle at work. Parenting style is only one influence on adult behaviour, and individual experiences vary considerably. However, the ability to tolerate frustration, accept feedback and continue functioning when something does not go one’s way can be valuable in almost every professional setting. Research on parenting has repeatedly linked authoritative parenting with outcomes such as self-regulation, competence and adjustment, although findings can differ across cultures and individual circumstances. A major review of parenting research notes that authoritative parenting combines warmth with autonomy support, involvement and consistent discipline. Other research also suggests that parental structure can help children understand rules, correct mistakes and eventually solve problems without relying on parents to intervene. Rather, constantly removing limits may provide fewer opportunities to practise handling limits.