Photo: @bkshivani/ X
Some people are simply not self-aware enough to identify their own behaviour. Others might recognisze it but lack the emotional tools, the maturity, or even the willingness to do the work of changing. Waiting for that change to happen before we allow ourselves to heal means handing them the keys to our own peace of mind. Looking for trusted parenting advice? Follow TOI Parenting Circle on Instagram for expert guidance, relatable stories, and practical tips delivered every day. Get the latest Lifestyle News and more. Download the TOI app.
In 2019, she received the Nari Shakti Puraskaar, India’s highest civilian honour for women, conferred by then-President Ram Nath Kovind, for her role in transforming human behaviour. She talks about the moment when we all hear something from others, and it refuses to budge from your mind, so much so that someone’s words or actions leave a mark we can’t shake off.
A parent says something careless. When hurt, ask yourself: “How much and for how long?”Your mind will say: “They hurt me, they should apologise and change.”That might never happen, because they may not feel they are wrong, or they may not have the power to change.The truth is: you hurt yourself.Change your thoughts to heal yourself BK sister Shivani BK Shivani’s message is simple on the surface but takes a while to actually understand its depth: when someone hurts us, our instinct is to wait for an apology, for change, for some kind of justice that rebalances the scale. We keep thinking about it, repeating in our brains replies and words that were never said, imagining confrontations that never happen. But Sister Shivani offers another perspective: she asks, “How much, and for how long?” asking us to notice that gap.
BK Sister Shivani is a motivational speaker and spiritual mentor who often speaks about profound topics, navigating through life with a positive outlook, making the right decisions, and following your true calling. A friend cancels plans without a second thought. A partner breaks a promise they swore they’d keep. In that moment, our brains begin deciding the apology we deserve and expecting the other person to see things from our perspective. But life does not always go on how we want it to be. People don’t always realise. They don’t always change. Sometimes they genuinely don’t believe they did anything wrong. She’s not saying that apology or change is wrong to expect. But her advice is more impactful and profound. She explains the practicality. We don’t control whether the other person responds the way we expect. What we can control is our own mind, and that’s where the real damage is happening. We must understand that the original hurtful comment or action happened once, and the hurt can last a few seconds, maybe a few minutes. But how long do we carry it? Hours, days, and sometimes even years. The person who hurt us moved on long ago. We’re the ones still standing in that moment, reliving it on repeat.